Halfway from everything, halfway to nothing
I come from this strange place halfway between land and water, halfway between child and adult. Where the boys they blur together with their confused hands and their sweet smiles they might just disappear if you reach out to touch one. And the girls, we’re all just faces, rotating on a wall, pinned up and taken down, changing with the seasons and the whims of those dimpled fairy boy kings, my heart couldn’t take the roller coaster. So I tore myself down, I leapt out into the wind and I jumped and as I fluttered down I caught the ghost-like smiles of all those girls I was leaving behind it was as if they were frozen there. And my hands were holding theirs so I was being stretched, stretched as I fell down and away but it was just one big giant boomerang because inevitably I came crashing back to you. My make-shift jet-pack came to a screeching halt right at your feet and I paused just long enough for you to stamp your magnetism onto my passport, so that when I tried to leave and I tried to run away they wouldn’t let me - I couldn’t alight on the next patch of land, the next patch of boyish charms because they could see that you were still all over me. You were painted onto the backs of my eyelids in a sunspot that just kept growing every time I closed my eyes, so that eventually you became so bright that I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t blink without knowing that you were just behind every door that I tried so hard to force shut. And so I camouflaged myself in the hopes that your charms wouldn’t recognize me, I grew to inhabit this body that even I don’t know anymore, don’t feel familiar with. And I’m not saying that’s all you - far from it. But I think that part of me was at least hoping that as long as this is who I am, I wouldn’t have to think about you anymore because you would be so far away, so removed.
But you see I come from this strange place that’s halfway between wanting and loathing. I can see you coming from a mile away and its as if I’m simultaneously motionless, waiting, and running as fast as I can to get away but not getting anywhere. I come from this place that’s in the middle of where the sea meets the sky - I can see that place, just off in the distance, but it’s not within my reach, it’s not quite tangible. And sometimes it’s all that I want, just to dive right on in and swim and swim until I see nothing but blue. But blue isn’t the only colour that matters anymore, and I would be lying if I said that it was. There are the greens and the greys and the beautiful, oh-so-present reds. I wish that I could lay them all out in a great big lake, tinge the waters with their vibrant hues, dip my toes into the effervescent depths. Then maybe I’d find you, the real you, waiting under the water, just effortlessly floating right below me. You would wave and as I held my breath I would be counting your freckles, each new one I found would be an extra second that I could spend with you down there in those silently beautiful waters.
But all that’s no good, because I come from this strange place that’s halfway between breathing and holding your breath. Halfway between crossing your fingers and making your own fate. Halfway between not giving a fuck and crying into my pillow in the dead of night because I know that in five years you might have forgotten me or I might be your everything. Or, even worse, I might be here, still, halfway from everything, halfway to nothing.